There it is.
Glen's old house.
I've been staring at it for two solid years.
Dad...
I know I haven't talked to you much
about what happened there.
You wouldn't believe most of it.
No one does.
I thought I'd be totally freaked out by it.
But I wasn't.
As a matter of fact,
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
It was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me.
It's hard to believe the world almost ended here on our block.
The problem wasn't that we opened the gate.
That we summoned the ancient demons.
The problem was that we didn't do it right.
Dad, I... I know this is hard for you to understand,
but I have to go back tonight.
I'm doing it for us, both of us.
It's the only answer.
Just trust me.
You're the only one who understands.
The only one that I can talk to.
Hey. Who won.
Baltimore.
Oh.
Test, one, two, three.
Lapis lazuli.
Offering bowl.
Bread.
Wheat.
Ceremonial dagger.
Picture of Dad.
I call upon the old gods to take pity on this conjuror,
to protect this traveler into darkness.
That they may know me
and make upon the ground this sign.
I call the seven spirits of the cosmos
to speak my command
that the sentinels appear before me.
Appear before me, sentinels,
that you may bring the power of the Unholy Trinity.
Rise up.
Rise up!
Be thee... Be thee sentinel,
watcher or minion of the Dark Lord,
you now serve this voyager.
What the hell's this?
It's a nice outfit, isn't it, Moe?
Oh yeah, yeah, it's real sharp.
I wonder how it'd look on me.
I think you'd look like a million bucks, John.
Don't break the circle.
- Why? - You'll contaminate it.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you better be careful, John
or he might sic Satan on you.
Ooh, I'm scared.
This isn't Satanism. This is something else, isn't it?
Yeah, it's demonology.
Satanism's for pussies.
Yeah, I knew it was something like that,
the circle and the symbols...
The symbols are Sumerian
- but the circles more of a... - What are you talking about?
Demonology.
Only the oldest and most powerful religion on the Earth.
Evil against evil.
Interdimensional contact with beings so old and so powerful
they could snuff you without even thinking about it.
Beings whose power can be used for anything you want.
Anything.
I'm not just screwing around here.
I'm touching the infinite.
Yeah. I've heard of this.
Hmm.
You can't just wish for something you think you'd like.
Demons don't like to be jerked around.
If you're gonna wish for something,
it has to be your heart's desire.
This is bullshit. Let's go cruise.
Come on, John, just do whatever he says, man.
Terry, his name's Terry.
Right?
Terrence.
This is stupid. Let's go.
John, please?
There, is that okay, Terrence?
So now we burn them.
- Here. - No! No! No.
It's like this.
Oh.
Everybody.
Okay.
I summon thee by fire, minions of darkness.
Fire is the pure, swift courier of our dreams.
Harken to them...
and bring the power of the dark lords to bear.
I command it.
- Wow. - How the hell'd you do that...?
Shh.
That's beautiful.
- Hey, what is that, man? - Shh.
I call upon the minions of the dark lords
to take shape on this plane,
to answer my call.
Now.
Harken to the pulse of blood.
Open the gate to enter the world of the living.
I offer the gift of death...
that thou may know me.
Ya pussy.
All right, ya demons,
you're dealing with John Thompson Starkey now.
By the power of this dumb rat,
and all this other shit,
let's see some action.
Hamster sushi, anybody?
You see, I told you this was bullshit.
What are you doing? Are you nuts?
You stupid idiot!
Whoa! What is that smell?
Jesus, it smells like a goddamn sewer!
The dead! That's the smell of the dead!
It's working!
Oh, nacho cheese buggering Christ!
I'm not supposed to get excited!
Stay inside the circle!
Whoa!
It's the other side!
Wow.
Whoa! That was amazing, man!
Shit.
John, I think you're right man, we should've gone cruising.
Look at that!
Who wished for this?
Excuse me, but is this supposed to be happening?
Back up! Stay inside the circle. Don't let it touch you.
Holy Jesus!
No!
Hey look, man, it's gone!
You can't just shoot them.
Don't you know what you're dealing with here? You asshole.
You little rat-faced turd.
- I just saved our asses. - John?
You almost got us killed.
It's you who's the asshole.
Say it, rat boy. Say, "I'm the asshole."
Say it!
I'm the asshole.
Let's go.
Let's go!
Terr...
Terry?
- Good morning. - Hi, Dad.
What, did you join a gang?
You've got an interview?
Yep.
- Where is it? - Guess?
Well, I don't know. Continental?
No.
- Coastal? - No.
Dad, not that Charter place, right? Not Dan...?
No.
Well...
where?
Pan Atlantic.
They want me back.
It's gonna be different this time, Terry.
- Yeah. - I'm gonna get it.
Everything's gonna be great.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Good luck, Dad.
Average number of days in frost-free periods...
Terrence?
Detention.
What?
That's one through, uh...
Chandler, what are you doing here?
We don't get many honor students down here in the dungeon.
Just tell me the chapters.
You think maybe you and your dad should come in for a conference?
Just tell me the chapters.
One through six.
Take a seat.
Keep it quiet.
So, what'd you wish for?
That's okay, I don't want to tell mine either.
That was totally legit last night.
I told John he was an asshole for shooting the manion.
Minion.
Say, where'd he get a gun anyway?
His father's.
Figures.
Sometimes he's such a toad.
He doesn't understand anything spiritual.
Spiritual resonance.
You've got it, I can tell.
You have the look.
Shut up.
We really did touch the infinite, didn't we?
You really liked it?
Yeah. I wanna come over to your house and scope out your stuff.
Um... So, what'd you wish for?
Um... Uh, okay,
I wished I would meet my true love.
I thought you were John's girlfriend.
I am.
Um, no thanks, man, not when I'm working.
Okay.
When are you gonna be a man and quit this stupid job?
No way, man.
They're gonna put me on forklift next month.
Good career move.
- Give me one of those. - No, man. Get out of here.
Come on, just let me try one.
Come on, be real. They don't get you high or nothing.
I need 'em. They're for my heart, man.
My heart, oh, my heart.
So, what'd you wish for, man?
What'd you wish for? A bigger dick?
Aliens, man.
I wanna meet aliens.
You know, UFOs?
Get picked up, go into space, man.
They probably wanna hear about what was going down on Earth.
They might even fix my heart.
Wishes are bullshit.
How can a guy with a hole in his heart believe in wishes?
Yeah.
I guess you're right, man.
Aliens.
So, what'd you wish for?
All right.
If you're gonna go for it, go all the way, right?
- Yeah. - What difference does it make?
I wanna be king of the world.
Oh, good luck for you, man.
It's healed.
Terry.
Dad?
Hey. Ta-dah.
Dad, are you okay?
I'm just celebrating.
Are you kidding? Did you get it?
Son, shake hands
with a Pan Atlantic employee.
Fantastic!
When do you fly?
Well, I've made an executive decision.
I'm not gonna fly.
What?
Man, I'm through with that shit. Who needs it?
Long hours, close quarters,
leaving you alone days at a time, it's bullshit.
It's a bullshit job.
I got something better.
Son...
you're looking at Pan Atlantic's
newest baggage expediter,
and I start tomorrow.
Well, I gotta hit the hay.
Get a good night's sleep. It's a big day tomorrow.
Yes sir.
I gotta be on my toes.
What toes?
Dad, about last night, uh...
I wanted to let you know that it doesn't matter what you do.
It's okay with me.
What are you talking about, big guy?
You know, baggage expediter, it doesn't matter.
Well, I don't know, you've got me, pal.
What's the... What's the punchline?
Dad, why are you wearing that coat?
Yeah, I know. They're getting me a new one as soon as they can.
But I'm flying the London run today.
And that is the last of that stuff
we're gonna see around this house.
The London run?
How do I look?
You're flying?
Like a bird.
See you later.
It's alive.
How'd you get in?
Door was unlocked.
Look at it. It's amazing.
This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Know what? I always believed there was something out there.
But this is crazy.
A minion... What is he?
What is he?
If demons were rock stars, he'd be the roadie.
Now when you say demons,
do you mean demons?
I mean the granddaddy of demons, the Unholy Trinity.
Israh, Shaggor and Zikon.
The Trinity used to stride across the galaxy
the way we walk across the street.
They can have an entire species for lunch.
They're nasty.
The Earth was their playground before they were trapped
behind a gate between dimensions a couple of billion years ago.
Now they want out.
They're waiting behind the gate, pissed in a major way.
That anger generates spiritual power, like a...
like a cosmic turbine.
And that's what we did last night.
The ritual...
We tapped into their power.
Holy shit.
All that negative energy, why mess around
with something so dangerous?
I need results.
For the man in the picture?
Is that your dad?
You're wishing for something for him?
I want to give him his life back.
It's just that last year, it was after my mom died...
I came home from school and I found him sitting there
with a gun in his mouth.
I walked in on him, you know?
Oh, shit.
What if he tries it again? What am I supposed to do?
Go to family counseling?
I... I just stood there like a geek.
I couldn't do anything.
Now I'm doing something.
I'm really doing something.
Just screw the negative energy.
So, this is all for your dad?
Yeah.
Did it work?
Got a job today.
All right.
So why don't you wish for something for yourself?
- What do you mean? - I mean...
what if we wish for more stuff?
Like a cherry 1962 Corvette.
Stuff like that.
It's not Wheel of Fortune. It doesn't work that way.
Why not?
Just take my word for it, you don't want to fool around.
How about something small?
We'll just wish for the rain to stop.
Just that.
What could happen?
It's not gonna work.
You can't just burn a cardboard sun and expect the rain to stop.
You can't just wish for things like he's Aladdin's lamp.
The power structure between dimensions is very fragile.
It's got to be done right.
You have to have the proper...
You know what this means?
Don't ya?
Absolutely not.
Don't do that. No!
Whoo hoo!
Whoo! Yeah!
Whoo!
- Terry? - What?
All right.
Yeah!
Now let's do some shopping.
I'm gonna get my mom a new house.
Nothing fancy. Half a mil tops.
I'm gonna get my dad his own airline,
with his picture painted on the rudder.
Then we could travel wherever we want.
Paris.
Let's go to Paris tomorrow.
- What's that mean? - I love you, my darling.
Are you in love with John?
I mean, have you ever...
you know?
Have you?
Sure. Who hasn't?
Sometimes I wonder if there are guys who go their entire lives
without ever doing it, I mean, guys like me.
Don't bet on it.
Check out those wheels, man.
Hey man, that's my chick.
Yeah, and that Larry guy.
Yeah.
Come on, move it!
The captain has now turned off the seatbelt sign.
However, we do suggest you keep your seatbelt fastened
in case of sudden turbulence.
The No Smoking sign will remain on,
as we are pleased to offer you a smoke-free environment.
May we remind you that the washrooms are equipped
with smoke detectors and smoke alarms.
We hope you will have a pleasant flight.
Thank you.
Please return to your seat.
That's the flight deck, sir.
Don't open that door. Sir!
Dad!
Hey hey!
Join the party!
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm flying!
Fasten your seatbelt!
No!
Hello?
Terrence, the car,
and all the clothes and all the other stuff from last night,
it all turned into shit, I mean real shit.
Tell me about it. You should see my room.
Well, what is it? What's going on?
Look, I told you
we weren't supposed to wish for things.
It's like the wishes have a half-life.
They start out good, and then they turn...
Terry?
Hello? What is it?
Terrence?
I'm coming over.
No.
Dad?
Dad, I'm... I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...
I'm gonna send it back where it came from, Dad.
Everything's gonna be back the way it was.
I promise.
Promise.
I don't know how he got clearance.
The man's an alcoholic.
It was just a cargo plane, thank God.
It's a blessing it never left the ground.
I don't think he was qualified to serve goddamned peanuts.
Hang on, I gotta go.
Son, it was a totally freak accident.
Absolutely unforeseeable.
Of course, there's no question of any liability...
Please, this is not the time.
Mind you, the company's behind you. Um...
We're picking up 85 percent of the hospital bills.
Not now!
Get in the car.
So, what do you think you're doing?
I'm taking a walk.
What's going on here? You starting to see other people?
- Is that what it is? - What are you talking about?
I saw you last night.
Yeah, so?
I saw you with that freak, what's his name.
- Larry. - Terrence.
His name is Terrence.
So, he has a faggot's name instead of an asshole's name.
Excuse me. I saw you.
Look, you don't own me. He's just a friend, okay?
Great friend. What were you doing?
Feeling each other up in the graveyard?
Hey, eat shit!
Yeah, shut up, Moe?
So, is that Terrence's car? Is he some sort of rich boy?
- You wouldn't understand. - Well, try me.
It's not what you think.
That minion thing's alive.
We wished for stuff.
What are you talking about?
It's like a fairy tale.
Bullshit, man, bullshit.
It's true! It's real!
This is real. This.
I never touched him.
He's a friend.
Just got caught up in all...
He's just a friend, you dork.
Goddamn chicks, man.
Who needs demons when you've got chicks?
I hear that, man.
You know what our problem is here, Moe?
Whoo!
Hi, Rat Boy. How's it going?
You know, Terrence,
I think it's time you and I became friends.
After all, we've got so much in common.
Same taste in girls, for example.
Don't you think that's incredible?
We've got the same taste in girls?
'Cause friends should be able to share everything.
I shared something with you.
And you shared something with me.
I'll be seeing you, Terrence.
- Let's go. - Yeah, okay.
Let's take the little dude for a ride.
No.
No!
Jerks.
Shit.
Whoo!
Shut up!
I love when you say, "Shut up" to the gremlin.
No, it's a minion, you dumb shit.
Minion, gremlin,
as long as it burns Terrence's ass.
John, life is sweet, man.
Hey, give me that, man.
I've got an idea.
Party animal!
Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
John, uh...
Whoa. Hey, John...
Come on, man!
Get him off me!
I got him! I got him!
Help me!
You... You little son of a...!
Stop the car!
The little sucker's got teeth!
Do you remember what to do?
Fire. Burning stuff and a shitload of prayers, man.
Well, then say the prayers.
I'm not saying any prayers.
Just say the prayers.
Oh, come on, John...
Do it, Moe!
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
- We want more of these. - Yeah.
Oh, man!
It's okay to touch him.
Don't you ever knock?
I don't like letting other people decide
whether I come in or not.
Just go, touch his hand, his arm or something.
Believe me, it makes the whole thing a lot less creepy.
No, it's okay.
Go on, you'll feel better.
How come you know so much about it?
Same thing happened to my dad.
Well, cancer.
I went through six months of this shit.
I'm a goddamn expert on the subject.
Come on, I know it's scary, but it's him.
He knows you're here.
He's still the same on the inside.
It doesn't matter what happens on the outside.
Nothing can touch us where we really live.
Not if you're strong.
Not if someone loves you.
He's in there.
It's okay to touch me too.
Good evening. May I help you?
- Baxter, party of two. - Howard. Howard.
Excuse me, one moment.
What is it?
Did you seat those two in my section?
Which two?
You know damn well which two. Who let them in?
- I did. - Are you insane? Why?
Now.
Gentlemen, this is the third bottle of wine...
Is everything perfectly okay here?
These connoisseurs seem to think that our Médoc is too... flinty.
No, the Médoc stuff was too fruity.
If they want another bottle bring them another bottle.
And what would the gentlemen like to begin with?
Uh...
Bring me your biggest order of escargots.
Mmm.
One 'gote.
Snails.
We're gonna send that little sucker back where he came from.
What?
The vessel will send him through the gate, straight back to hell.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're gonna do the conjure thing again? Call the demons?
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
But isn't that exactly what they're waiting for?
Screw around with the gate and you'll let them back on Earth.
It's like ringing the damn dinner bell.
Look, my dad's dying.
I could get used to this, man.
You know what, John?
I think I'm gonna go with the Alfa.
With the leather interior.
Are you okay, buddy?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I told you to go easy on the béarnaise sauce.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
And how is everything this evening?
Oh, it's fine.
Good. I hope you come back and see us again real soon.
Oh.
Oh God.
There is a way.
"The entrance to this world can be closed
by a vessel of the dead.
Such an object draws power from both sides of the gate.
But be forewarned.
Once one of the ancient trinity has taken its first sacrifice,
no force in either world can stop what will follow.
There are seven items, seven being the celestial number."
Did you wash your hands?
Hm?
Okay. Here goes.
"First, the vessel itself, a belonging of the dead."
It was my mom's.
Next.
"Kernels of green wheat for the yet to be born.
Salt, of the Earth.
Three rods of Lapis lazuli.
A sacrifice of unbroken love."
What is that?
Oh, that's, um...
something that represents love.
You know, like comes from love.
All right, lover boy, don't get all mushy on me.
Are you okay in there?
Uh, waiter?
Sir?
Do you need any help in there, sir?
Hey, you asshole!
The blood of the innocent.
I hate that part.
That's it? That's gonna save the world?
Sure, why not?
Look at it this way, a couple of prayers and a dead hamster
got us into this mess, right?
What've we got to lose?
Let's do it.
Minion goes in the box, box goes in the gate.
I just hope we can find John and Moe.
Oh my God!
Shit.
- Moe, oh my God, I'm so sorry! - Moe! Are you okay?
- You gotta come! - What's the matter?
- You gotta come with me, man! - Here, sit down.
I need... I need a pill! I...
- Moe... - What happened to your face?!
My pills!
- Moe, what's going on? - Moe, where's John?
Where... Where's the minion? Huh? Where is it?
- I didn't know what to do. - Come on, where's the minion?
- You've gotta come see John. - Where?! Where is he?!
His... His face, man. Oh God, his face is so messed up!
Where is he, Moe?
The warehouse, the one where I work! Hurry! Come on!
Wait, what's he doing there?
Steel doors, man.
Steel doors.
Come on! I had to lock him up!
Cops are looking for him. It was a hit and run.
- Come on, let's hurry. - He peeled out of there so fast!
He just started going crazy!
- Talking all this demon stuff! - This is weird.
Words I never even heard before!
I don't know what's happening to him! Shit, man!
I mean, I figured you'd know what to do, you know.
Like you could say a spell for him, or something.
I mean, he don't look real good.
The minion bit him.
You don't change from minion bites.
Oh yeah?
John?
John? John?
- Liz, get out...! - John, are you all right?
Go away!
- John? - John?
John, you in here?
John?
Jeez.
I told ya.
John?
Hey, John?
Hey, where are you, guy?
John?
Moe, are you okay?!
Yeah.
I'm fine.
Liz.
It hurts.
John?
I don't want to look at you.
I'm gonna...
Oh God.
Oh God, John!
They've taken me.
I can see the other side.
It's not so bad.
What are you saying?
I'm only the first.
They're taking me.
They're gonna go.
John, no!
Liz!
Goodbye!
John!
Don't go.
It's happening.
- Moe, what? What's going on? - What's happening?
It's happening! It's happening.
Moe!
Moe.
Oh no.
His heart.
This is all my fault.
I killed them.
John.
I'm so stupid.
I'm not thinking in three dimensions.
I thought they would come through the gate,
a hole or a door or something.
What are you talking about?
The Unholy Trinity.
They're coming from inside us.
Inside us.
The gate's open.
Once three of them make their human sacrifice, that's it.
End of story.
Hell on Earth.
The gate...
I know where it is.
"I call upon the gods of light, the protectors,
to sanctify this vessel of the dead,
to make all these parts, to man this riff..."
- Is this really gonna work? - Let me finish.
"In the name of those who walk the Earth,
in the name of those yet unborn..."
He's ten feet tall! We've got a music box here.
"...to power this vessel!"
Oh my God.
Better hurry.
Right.
You're one hell of a date, Terrence.
Thanks.
So much for sneaking in.
We better hurry.
If I can get the laser working
- it might protect us a little. - What do you mean?
It's like we created this rift between dimensions
that's unpredictable.
We have to try and close it before we do anything else.
The actual point where the two dimensions touch
is sort of up for grabs.
Nobody knows for sure.
Anything can happen.
Be careful.
Get him off!
- Hold him! - Hurry up!
Hang on! Ready?
One, two,
three, open!
Go!
Now why in the world would you wanna do a thing like that?
Moe?
- How you doing, guys? - Moe, what happened?
You died, Moe.
Your heart gave out.
My heart?
Oh yeah, my heart.
You know, it's funny.
John always told me that wishes were for losers.
But he was wrong.
Um, I mean, we got our wishes, man.
- How did you...? - Terrence.
Don't sweat it, man.
Hey... you guys wanna see something really neat, man?
It'll just take a second.
You don't want to miss this, man. It's totally out there.
Shit.
Surprise.
Hmm.
Liz!
Aww.
So glad you could join us, Terry.
No. No. No!
Surprise!
Plenty of time to see the sacrifice.
It's a big honor, a very big honor.
It's gonna be a new world.
You can't do this!
We didn't start this.
You started it.
You did this.
And that's why we're gonna let you kill her.
No. No.
Oh no! No!
The gate.
Liz.
No.
You look like a million bucks, Terry.
Come on, Terry.
You're one of us now.
Do it.
Liz! Liz, get away!
Liz!
Liz, wake up! Liz!
John.
Please.
Liz.
Sacrifice.
Terry, no!
Terry, let me live!
Terry! Wake up, Terry! Wake up!
Empower this vessel!
Terrence.
Terry?
Oh God.
And it is especially difficult when one so young
is called home to God.
We cannot help but think of the years lost,
the potential wasted.
But let us think instead of the years lived
and life enjoyed.
Terrence was a happy, active boy
and the presence here of his many schoolmates
and family members can attest to the love
he both gave and received.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
Heleadethme beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I shall fear no evil.
Thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord...
forever.
Amen.
This concludes our graveside service.
Didn't you hear me? I couldn't breathe in there.
It worked!
You're okay!
When did you get out?
What's going on with the...?
All right!
What a great coffin. Is this my funeral?
This is great.
Man, am I hungry.
Are we heading back to our place after the funeral?
Can I stay home from school. What's this coffin made out of?
Loverboy.
- What? - Shut up.
Terry.
Terry!
Oh, this is great!
- Your alive! It worked! - Yeah!
It's incredible.
Demons, man. Who needs chicks when you got demons.